I’m sure many of you have seen the video of the couple who discovered they were pregnant when the husband brought home a pregnancy test and removed his wife’s “sample” from the toilet, knowing that she didn’t flush in the middle of the night for fear of waking their kids.
The day after they announced the news via YouTube, they suffered a miscarriage. There were many supportive and kind comments posted to them, but also a lot of opinions that they had told people too soon. One woman even said she had suffered a “miscarriage” at 5 months and she learned not to tell people so early. 5 months? I don’t think that’s considered a miscarriage at that point.
Pregnancy loss can happen at any stage. Years ago between my third and fourth child, I became pregnant and decided I would do the sensible thing that everyone recommends and wait until my second trimester. I didn’t test positive until I was 18 days late. Three days later, my nausea suddenly disappeared along with my sensitivity to all odors. I knew something was wrong. I took a test and the line was much lighter than the last time. I made a doctor appointment and the test was at first negative. I said, “No, that doesn’t make sense.” The nurse went and looked again and it was then positive.
My doctor sent me for a blood test and by the time she called me with the results, I had started spotting. I told her I already knew the bad news. I was having a miscarriage. She said, “Wow, you must really be in tune with your body!” Well it’s hard not to notice when you suddenly feel normal again.
I didn’t feel a sense of relief that I hadn’t told anyone. I felt alone. I told my mom and a couple friends, but that was about it. The next week I was at a crafting event called “Super Saturday” (No, I’m not a crafty person) when someone asked me out of the blue, “Do you know who all’s pregnant right now?” I felt stunned and found myself blurting out, “I was last week and now I’m not.”
I had gone there to try to cheer myself up by being around friends, but there’s no escaping those situations and feelings when you lose a baby. I was devastated.
When I was pregnant with my first, it was after trying for 2 years. I was so excited that I could even get pregnant, I told everyone. One man said, “Should you be telling people already?” I told him I knew there was a risk in having to tell people I had a miscarriage, but I was so happy, I just had to share that happiness with everyone.
My point: Let people share their pregnancy news when they want to. It’s their decision. My friends who have lost babies say one of the hardest things is that no one talks about their child. For people not to know my baby ever existed at all was heartbreaking to me. I didn’t feel protected by following the second trimester “rule”.