DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE NEW STAR WARS.
OR IF YOU HAVE SEEN IT AND YOU FORGOT WHAT HAPPENED FOR SOME STRANGE REASON.
THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW.
DON’T BLAME ME FOR SPOILING IT.
They killed Han Solo?!?!
What reason do I have to watch the next one? I suffered through Episodes 1, 2, and 3 knowing there would be no Han Solo and those were awful, especially the parts with Jar Jar. It was hard enough when Han was frozen. I went to see this knowing there would be Han Solo and I looked forward to maybe two more movies with Han Solo, but now I know there will not be more Han Solo unless they use soap opera magic and resurrect him somehow. Maybe he was wearing a special vest that is resistant to lightsabers and it was just a set-up? Maybe he knew his son would impale him and there was a net way down below that caught him? Is that possible? So it was some optical illusion. His bratty little son who doesn’t look at all like a cross between Princess Leia and Han Solo just felt really smug about offing his dad and doesn’t know he’s not really dead because now he’s dead due to Ray (Rae? Rai?) wasting him. I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t die just yet so that he would have to go back to his dark side friends and they would be all, “Dude. You got beat up by a girl.”
I will now begrudgingly list what I liked about this movie and what I didn’t like.
It had Han Solo. (Until he was brutally murdered by his own flesh and blood!)
It had Princess Leia. She looked beautiful, although there was no longer any hint of fake British accent like she used to have. I can get past that. Carrie Fisher, thank you for coming back even though people are stupid and say you didn’t age well. You’re gorgeous! When I’m that old, I will look like Jabba the Hutt. Also, I just want to say, I still remember the time I got Princess Leia bubble bath for Christmas when I was about 4 years old. It was one of the greatest moments of my life.
Luke did a good job memorizing all of his lines. (All zero of them. Seriously? That was pretty soap operaish, so it gives me hope that Han Solo is not really dead.)
It had Chewy! I love him. He reminds me of my old psychotic poodle named Fudge who expressed every emotion through growling.
I liked the storyline of a Storm Trooper defecting. At first I thought it was someone in disguise pretending to be a Storm Trooper, like maybe Han Solo, who you all know now died senselessly in the movie because he had faith that his son wasn’t as big of a turd as he was.
I liked the new robot BB something, although I would have preferred a little more R2D2. He’s so sassy!
I loved the return of the Millennium Falcon and Han Solo flying it! (Before he was murdered.)
The scenery was beautiful!
I liked the humor, like the Storm Troopers who turned around when they heard Darth Vader’s grandson throwing a little tantrum. He is so not Darth Vader material. Darth Vader never threw tantrums. He just squeezed people’s necks and threatened to kill them. Or actually killed them.
I liked Ray (Rae? Rai?) GIRL POWER!
Han Solo dying. I’ll touch more on this later.
Waiting the entire movie for Luke and he says zero lines. When someone goes out of their way to bring you your lightsaber, you don’t just stare at them and say nothing! My husband and I both think Ray is his daughter and he didn’t speak because he’s thinking, “Aw, crap. Now that my daughter is involved, I have to come out of retirement and stop standing mysteriously on the edge of this beautiful cliff the remainder of my days.” He’s just totally stunned to see his daughter. Hopefully we meet the mother in the next one and that she’s pretty good at kicking butt too.
The innocent people who died also made me unhappy.
It made me question my family’s love for me. My husband took our boys to see it and they have been DYING to talk to me about it. They have been begging me to hurry up and go see it. Why would they let me see this horrible, horrible movie in which Han Solo dies? If they loved me at all, they would have told me it’s not worth the money and that it’s filled with an army of Jar Jars, then suggested something nice to watch on Netflix instead.
I paid a lot of money tonight to watch Han Solo die in 3D. Zero stars.