Titanic Review: Better Late Than Never

*WARNING!  SPOILER ALERT!  I’M WARNING YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN TITANIC WELL OVER A DECADE AGO IF YOU WERE GOING TO SEE IT.  UNLESS YOU MAYBE JUST BECAME A TEENAGER OR SOMETHING.*

Why am I reviewing Titanic now?  I read this today and I laughed.  My thoughts exactly.

When it first came out, a good friend took me to see Titanic.  I walked out of there telling her, “I would have liked it better if the ship didn’t sink.”

But seriously, Titanic.  You had me at epic movie about a ship sinking.  You lost me at Bill Paxton.  He bugs me and will forever be Chet.  Stay out of potentially awesome movies, Chet!

But you also lost me at the story you chose to focus on. There were mothers and children.  Elderly couples who loved each other for maybe 50+ years.  If you really wanted to tear people’s hearts out, one of them could have sacrificed for the other.

You chose to focus on a couple that met each other 2 or 3 days ago and were basically having a fling.  There are countless other interesting people who could have been portrayed.  Maybe even some real stories.

You lost me at unexpected, naked breasts!  WHAT?!  It’s PG-13 and what that says to me is, “There won’t be any bare breasts in this movie.”  People say it’s because it’s art.  He was painting her.  Yeah, but then they went into the car where he was definitely not painting her.  Rating fail!  I never wanted to watch it again.

The most touching scene is when the string quartet is playing on deck.  And then one of them gives the other a cello and says, “Here.  Float on this. Save yourself!” And then the other person says, “This cello is big enough for both of us to live!”  “Oh yeah!  You’re right!  There’s no sense in either of us dying!”

OK, that didn’t happen. The music happened, but the main characters Rose and Jack must have had instant hypothermia because neither one of them was thinking clearly when he told her to float on a large piece of wood that was big enough for both of them.  He stayed immersed in the water and she didn’t think to offer the other half to him.  True love, my bum.  I also had to suppress laughter when Jack was suddenly a scientist or something and calmly told Rose what was going to happen as the giant ship was submerged.  People are screaming and bodies are falling everywhere, but he’s acting like he’s experienced this same scenario before.  No biggie.

Thanks to Rose’s selfishness, she lives and she goes on to marry someone and has multiple children with him.  At the end of the movie, it appears she passes away peacefully in her sleep (unlike Jack who died freezing and terrified) and who does she meet in the afterlife?  Fling boy!  The guy she spent three days with vs. the guy she made a lifetime with.  She did report her last name as Dawson after she was rescued (how the heck do I remember this stuff?!), but still.  She had children with her husband!  He must have been living in fling boy’s shadow all those years.  You can bet if he had lived, she would have gotten annoyed at him plenty of times for leaving his socks on the floor and other stuff.

I give it a generous two stars.  One star for the scenery, one star for the touching quartet scene, then I subtract a star for the unwanted nudity, and I subtract three stars for Bill Paxton.  Negative two stars.

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