Eating Your Husband’s Chocolate: A Self-Help Guide

I don’t suppose this is a common problem, but if your husband is a chocolate hoarder and has a stash within your reach during difficult moments, you’re going to need some justifications that he will accept and still want to be married to you.

First, some reasons why you may need to eat his chocolate.

  1.  You only got 7 1/2 hours of sleep or less.
  2. People are being annoying.
  3. You were on hold for a lengthy amount of time.
  4. You were on hold for a short amount of time.
  5. You had to call a business that asks you to speak your answer and there were children yelling in the background, causing the wrong option to be chosen no less than ten times.  Just give up and yell, “CHOCOLATE!!!!”  There’s a special place in Hell for these people who don’t think about the many mothers who can’t get a quiet moment and therefore can’t use voice activated systems.  Maybe I’m taking it a bit overboard?  No.  No I’m not.  Give it a try sometime.  You’ll feel homicidal in no time.
  6. You like chocolate a lot.  If it’s been there for 6 months, it’s obviously not that important to him.
  7. It’s bad for his health.  You’re just taking one for the team!
  8. You’re hormonal.  Either you’re on your period, ovulating, pregnant, menopausal, or on any day in your cycle.
  9. You’re sick.  *cough cough*  See?  I’m sick right now.
  10. You’re doing taxes.
  11. It’s expired.  You love him and don’t want him to die.
  12. You realize the real reason he saves it is for you.  HE LOVES YOU.

As an example, the other day I was looking for something in my husband’s special drawer (I was looking for chocolate) and I noticed an astounding amount of uneaten chocolate still leftover from Christmas and maybe even earlier.  You can’t just flaunt Almond Roca in my face (in your drawer) and expect me not to eat it!

And that Milka bar?  It expired last month!  HE LET EUROPEAN CHOCOLATE EXPIRE?!  This morning I took some life saving measures and decided to eat part of it to see if it was OK.  It was delicious.  But if I left some of it in the wrapper, he would know I ate some.  Now I had to commit to eating the whole thing.  What was I going to do – put it in my drawer and save it for later?  I would never do that.

But now I had some explaining to do.  Would the expiration story be enough?  So I started working on our taxes and he knows how much I detest doing that.  I obviously deserved the chocolate!  But now that I’m done working on them (except I’m waiting on one form), I feel like I need chocolate again.  His chocolate pistachio bar is not expired.  Do I change the expiration date with a pen or do I exercise some self-control?

Whatever you do, if you write a blog post about eating his chocolate, don’t show it to him.  I could go out and buy him more chocolate, but let’s face it.  I will eat it in 6 months.

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