I was having a really bad morning. I woke up repeatedly last night due to pain and my daughter waking up, probably getting only a few hours of sleep. I was trying to find the will to do anything besides lying in the fetal position on my couch.
That’s when I got a phone call. I thought it was a friend. No, I recognized the number as being one of those “Windows computer” scammers.
I can’t tell you how much joy it brings me to mess with them. It’s amazing how our fun encounter left me feeling invigorated, ready to take on the world! (Like doing my dishes or something.)
This is our conversation paraphrased. Some of it I couldn’t understand because he speaks broken English.
Scammer: Hello ma’am. I am calling from the Windows Computer department.
Me: Oh, OK. Can you hang on a moment? (I was trying to get my daughter happy. She’s been screaming all morning and is mad because I’ve been trying to slowly wean her. But nothing made her happy, so her screaming was all part of the fun.)
Scammer: *speaking in a different language to I don’t know who*
Me: OK, are you still there?
Scammer: Yes, ma’am. Your computer is sending out all sorts of signals that you’ve downloaded a malicious file.
Me: Oh no! Is that why it’s been acting so weird?
Scammer: Are you by your computer?
Scammer: What do you see on your computer?
Me: I see my desktop. There’s a picture of my family.
Scammer: OK, there is a control key – CTRL on the bottom left hand corner of your keyboard. Do you see the button next to that?
Me: Yeah. The Windows button?
Scammer: Yes, I need you to hold both of those buttons and the letter R as in Roger.
Me: OK, F as in Fred ……
Scammer: No, R AS IN ROGER.
Me: All right. H as in Hector.
Scammer: R AS IN ROGER.
Me: Roger dodger!
Scammer: OK, so press both of those keys and the R ……
Me: Ugh! My computer just crashed!
Me: Yes, it must be because of the malware. Should I restart?
Me: Should I restart in safe mode?
Scammer: No, just normal.
Me: OK! …….. HOW DID MY DESKTOP PHOTO DISAPPEAR?
Me: There was a picture of my family on the desktop and now there’s a picture of cotton candy! Do you think I have the cotton candy virus?
Scammer: Do you think this is a funny call?
Me: No. Can I talk to Roger?
Scammer: Why would you want to talk to Roger?
Me: You mentioned Roger earlier. I thought he might know a lot about my computer problem.
Scammer: Don’t you waste my time.
Me: OH! I’m wasting YOUR time?
Scammer: Yes, you are wasting my time.
Me: I’ll waste your time all I want. I LOVE to waste your time. You’re a scummy scammer and while I’m wasting your time, I’m saving a little old lady from being ripped off.
Scammer: That’s not true.
Me: Yes, it is. You don’t even work for a living. You don’t have a real job. You spend the whole day ripping people off.
Scammer: Go. ____. Yourself.
Me: CAN’T HEAR YOU! CAN’T HEAR YOU! CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!
Scammer: You can’t hear me?
Me: That’s right. (It’s pretty much true because my daughter is chasing me around demanding to be nursed, rejecting all other forms of food.)
Scammer: You are a moron.
Me: You’re a moron! You just complained that I’m wasting your time, yet you continue to talk to me. Why don’t you have one of your fake IRS buddies give me a call?
Eventually he hung up. I think it’s hilarious he took the time to defend his honor as a person with a real job.