Dear Random Polygamist Guy: Here Are Some Tips On How To Look More Appealing In Your Quest For A Harem

Dear Jack,

Polygamist

This morning I woke up to a friend request.  It was from you.  I looked to see if we have mutual friends, but we don’t.  I looked at your profile and you claimed to be a “Mormon minister” looking for a harem.  I’m guessing you’re a guy most likely making fun of Mormons rather than a “Mormon” (member of a splinter group since practicing polygamy in the church will get you excommunicated).  Also, we don’t use the term “Mormon minister”.  This is new.  I’ve been messaged by random guys including a guy 30 years older than me, but never been considered for a harem before.  Just in case you really are looking for scores of wives, here are some tips.

  1.  You need to look really rich – like you’re wealthy enough to support everyone.
  2. You need to look like you have a strong work ethic.  You look like you couldn’t commit to completely shaving, which again gives all of your prospects doubts of your ability to support a giant family.
  3. Try using punctuation.  Lack of punctuation = lack of education = lack of money.  Or so your potential harem will assume.
  4. Your love interests need to feel special.  You should really try creeping out thousands of ladies in person before you finally find those twenty desperate women.  Your message is pretty much, “Any woman may marry me.”  That’s not going to win hearts.
  5. Try going to Glamour Shots for a better profile picture.  No one wants to see up your nose.  This goes for everyone.  Selfies taken from low angles can make you look downright crazy.  I was just noticing a guy the other day whose sanity I questioned and wouldn’t you know it?  He went for the up the nose shot too!
  6. I want you to walk into your nearest nails and spa place.  Probably no one will speak English, but you will know they are asking questions.  Say yes to all of those questions.  Your 3 inch thick eyebrows will be attacked with hot wax in no time.  Your wives don’t want to look at those things for the rest of their lives or the rest of yours.
  7. Try smiling.  No one wants to be married to a grumpy polygamist!
  8. Or are you hiding your teeth?  Are they in bad shape?  We’re maybe back to the lack of funds and work ethic thing.
  9. You need to not send friend requests to married women like me.  If you want me to consider you as a back-up though, refer to tips 1-8.
  10. Once you’re all dolled up, get a photo of yourself in front of the mansion you bought for the fam.  In an ideal location would be a bonus.

A friend noticed you had two friends, including what looked like a rather young girl.  Your profile has been reported.

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4 comments on “Dear Random Polygamist Guy: Here Are Some Tips On How To Look More Appealing In Your Quest For A Harem

  1. pljnw says:

    Totally awesome. LOVE it!!!

  2. jennasbanks says:

    This made me laugh out loud… Love it! Although I’m a little jealous that no one has asked me to join a harem…

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