Worst. Election. EVER.

I made this video yesterday for anyone who feels like me or would get a laugh out of this even if they don’t feel like me.

No matter the outcome, I am going to feel very upset about who we elect as president.  When I imagine Hillary or Donald winning, I want to scream for different reasons.  The only thing I would like about Donald winning would be that it would be really humiliating for Hillary to lose to him and it would be 4 years of really great SNL material, but that’s not a good enough reason.

The only way I can deal with this is to laugh.  Happy Election Day!

My Scammer Soap Opera

As I mentioned earlier, I like to engage in “scambaiting” – where you fool a scammer into believing that you are a sucker and you waste as much of their time as possible to prevent them from moving on to a real victim or slow them down.  I think if enough people did it, it would make a huge impact.

People have been asking me what I’m going to do now that some of the IRS scammers have been arrested.  Oh, there are plenty more and I’m sure they’re just lying low at the moment.  Some of them are still active.  I learned that when they tell you you’re on a federally recorded line, they really are recording it.  Splendid!  This will make the investigators’ jobs so much easier and I hope they have a good laugh if they happen to run into one of my conversations with them.  I especially hope they hear the one where my kids and I were British for 96 minutes while causing the scammer to believe we were going to the store to purchase a “federal tax voucher”, aka iTunes gift cards.  You see, the store was 15 minutes away and then there was the usual trip to the bathroom.  Don’t worry, he wasn’t bored.  We sang annoying songs on the way there. (We just sat in our unmoving car and sang.)  YOU CAN’T RIDE IN MY RED WAGON! THE AXLE’S BROKEN AND THE WHEELS ARE DRAGGIN’!  SAME SONG! SAME VERSE! A LITTLE BIT LOUDER AND A LITTLE BIT WORSE!

This is my latest mischief.  A computer scammer called my mom and she wanted me to call and mess with them.  That number wasn’t working for me, so I located a working number and I’ve been messing with a particular scammer since Sept. 7th.   That’s almost 2 glorious months.  I haven’t talked to him on the phone in a long time though because I’m afraid I will laugh hysterically.  I just tell him I’ve been too upset to talk.

During our initial conversation, he tried to fix (gain remote access) to my computer for almost an hour.  I mean, just like he said, there was malware on it, so of course it would be acting up, right?  It must be really annoying to a computer scammer when they tell you your computer is broken and you respond that your computer is too broken for them to even do anything with it.

“Jack Williams” told me all sorts of ridiculous stuff about my IP address no longer being secure because of a broken driver.  He wanted me to go to helpme.net where he could gain remote access to my computer, but I employed all sorts of antics.  The computer told me I needed to insert the repair disk.  Then I suggested maybe we restart in safe mode.  When he told me to go to helpme.net, I told him, “The computer says that site isn’t available in safe mode.”  He can make up crap, so I can too, right?

At the end of that call, my friend came over to rehearse with me and I had to tell Jack (or was it his supervisor by then?) that my computer was too old and had too many issues to fix.  I would need to buy a new one.  That’s when he offered to give me a discount on security software for my new computer and he would even upload it for me.  Wow, how nice of him to offer to ruin my new computer.  I asked him repeatedly what their website was so I could shop for products and it was hilarious how he tried to get out of telling me.  “Oh, we have everything!”  It was even funnier when he started asking me if there was another computer in the house.  Nope.  “Is there a laptop?”  You see, amazingly he would be able to fix my broken driver by getting remote access to another computer.

I thought that would be the end.  The next day, Jack left a message asking if I got a new computer yet.  Nope.

He called the next day and I answered.  I explained that my husband Richard (not my husband’s real name) wouldn’t let me get a new computer.  He told me that it wasn’t like I used it for work – I mostly used it to goof around on YouTube.  Jack said he thought a computer was the “most important part of a person”, but I explained that we had many things to fix before we could replace it.

This man had invested a lot of time in me and he was determined to get something for his efforts.  This was when he suddenly took great interest in me and asked to be my Facebook friend.  He said that I make him laugh and that we should make each other laugh more.  He said, “Tell me your Facebook ID.”  I said, “How about you tell me your ID and then I’ll decide if I want to send you a Facebook request?”

So he gave me an email address that didn’t contain the name Jack Williams, but Ashwin.  He explained that his boss made them use fake names because Americans don’t like people from India.  I said that wasn’t true and that it didn’t make sense to use fake names because we can tell they’re from India.  “Oh, really?” The thing that amazes me the most is how good these scammers think they are at speaking English.  Anyway, he told me to look up his profile right that second using that email address.  I said, “I don’t have a working computer, remember?  He said, “What about your phone?”  “I don’t have a cell phone.”  He said, “You are a great lady!” sounding quite amused.

I told him I would need to go to the library to use the computer, but of course that didn’t happen for a while.  I had told him my name was Princess Buttercup and after trying and failing to make a fake Facebook account, I finally turned to Google Plus.  I knew that if I emailed Ashwin and that really was his gmail account, he would see my profile come up.

My cover photo says, “The most important thing in life is trusting everyone no matter what.”  What a delicious phrase to a scammer, right?

I finally emailed him, telling him I was at the library, but couldn’t find his profile.  I started to give out uncomfortable details about my life, making Richard sound a little more jerky by the day.  I confided in Ashwin that Richard’s friend Fred came over to fix the computer and he started rubbing my back.  After that, Fred was coming up with more excuses to come over while Richard was on his business trip in China.

Sure enough, Ashwin followed me on Google Plus and I had already started planting bizarre things.  How weird could things get before he decided maybe he didn’t want to be my friend after all?

Things got ten times more hilarious when I said I told Fred about him and he wanted to know his company’s website.  That’s when Ashwin claimed my imaginary friend had emailed him and called him a scammer.

Hey, Ashwin!  Fred is MY imaginary friend!  Of course, I was very upset with Fred.  I was so upset, I needed to confront him over email and cc Ashwin.  First I had to make a gmail account for Fred so that would be possible.  Then he was on Google Plus too.  After confronting him, he informed me (and Ashwin) that he had done no such thing, but that Ashwin was indeed a scammer, sent me a link to a news article about computer scams, and told me if I wouldn’t listen to him, maybe I would listen to Richard. He said I shouldn’t listen to Richard though because he wasn’t really in China on a business trip. He was in the Bahamas with his mistress!

Brytnie, the villainess we all love to hate in this story – she wrote back on Richard’s phone dying of laughter.  You won’t believe her evil doings.  To make things more interesting, one of my YouTube friends called Ashwin saying she was Brytnie and informed him that she was a 19-year-old stripper.  Of course, I had to write that into the story.  Brytnie is a horrible, horrible person.

Here are the current characters:

Princess
Fred Flint (who looks like Wesley from Princess Bride)
Richard (looks like Humperdinck)
Brytnie (you can only see her feet on the beach, but her later mug shot looks just like Keira Knightley)
Ethel (No profile, but she’s my feisty mother who beats people with umbrellas)
Ayma Moron (Looks like the “Mawwiage” guy from Princess Bride and was created by a YouTube friend)
Steve (Richard’s offended dad who shouts “INCONCEIVABLE!”
Charles Orchkatzelschwarf (Princess’s long lost father who needs money to come see her. Looks like Indigo Montoya)

There are more on the horizon.  I’m now managing six different fake accounts and it’s a little complicated, but exactly the laugh I need during a stressful time in my life.

If you watch through this playlist in order, you can enjoy the story Ashwin inspired and discover what his goal was.  What a little turd he is.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.  I’ll just tell you that no matter how hard things get in my fake life, Ashwin still has the nerve to ask for favors. When I called him, I never imagined it would evolve into this!  If you like my videos, don’t forget to subscribe!  🙂

 

 

 

An Awful Analogy About Voting

I’m seeing a lot of passionate arguments as to why people should vote for either Trump or Hillary.  This is literally what it sounds like to me.

Passionate person:  Would you rather eat diarrhea in the morning or diarrhea in the evening?

Me:  I vote for no diarrhea.

Passionate person: That’s throwing your vote away!

Me:  Ummmm ……

Passionate person:  If you don’t vote for diarrhea in the evening, you’re letting diarrhea in the morning win!

Me:  I really don’t see much of a difference.  If there’s a chance at all that not eating diarrhea could win, then I have to vote my conscience.  I don’t want to feel responsible for everyone eating diarrhea.

Passionate person:  But it’s not possible not to eat the diarrhea!

Me:  I think if everyone who wants no diarrhea were brave enough to vote for no diarrhea, then no diarrhea would win.  The media has us believing that it’s impossible because they want diarrhea in the morning to win.

Passionate person:  That’s never going to happen!  Diarrhea in the morning is so much worse than diarrhea in the evening!

Me:  It’s a toss up . They both suck.

I know I’m not alone.  You’re welcome for the disgusting analogy.  That’s really how I feel.

Now That You’ve Decided To Sell Meal Replacement Products …..

I’ve been approached multiple times lately by friends who recently decided to sell various products to help people lose weight.  Luckily I’m not sensitive about my weight, but I cringe on behalf of those who are.  Once one commits to selling these products, just how do they go about approaching their friends and loved ones?

“So ….. uhhhhh ….. I’ve been using this product to lose weight.  And uhhhhhhh …… Do you know anyone who might want to lose weight too?”

“Hey, I was just noticing how fat you’ve gotten…..”

“Good job losing 50 pounds so far on your own using real food!  Wouldn’t you rather buy my expensive shakes?”

I think this is really too touchy a subject to be approaching those who are overweight.  Unless you know they are not touchy about it, I would say just make blanket statements on social media that you are a rep and would love to talk to anyone who is interested.  If they don’t express interest, then most likely they aren’t interested.  Some people don’t want to be sold to period whether it’s Amway, Cutco knives, Scentsy, Pampered Chef, etc.

Furthermore, if a friend hasn’t heard from you in a long time and you approach them making small talk and manage to work your new sales business into the conversation, they know that was the real reason you messaged them . I prefer the direct approach if you’re going to try to sell something to me rather than pretending you were just thinking about me.

That is all.  Don’t ruin relationships because you want to sell something.

My Job From Hell

What is the worst job you ever had?  When I was about 19, I walked into a pet store and accepted a dog washing job out of desperation and under the misguided belief that it would be fun.

Pulling their ear hair is not fun.

Clipping their toenails is also not fun.

Being bitten repeatedly is awful.

Having a clean dog you just washed roll around in its own diarrhea repeatedly?  Beyond awful.

But having to do I don’t want to say what to a dog’s unmentionable area?!  NO!  JUST NO!

The Thing Which Will Not Be Named In This Title

I’ve been working a lot on my YouTube channel and learning a lot, but I was most disturbed to encounter a world I had no idea about simply because I made a playlist called “Messing With Scammers”.  Apparently I need to change the name of this because just having the word “messing” in it caused other videos to be recommended to me that automatically started playing after one of my videos!

I reported one video, then another, and another.  But I couldn’t figure out how to report them without clicking on the videos!  I think that would maybe cause more of them to be recommended to me.  I don’t even know if they are against YouTube’s policies for sure, but it’s sick and wrong.  They are marked as being for adult audiences.  OK, does anyone know a way I could block anything that is for adults?

I don’t really want to draw attention to this, but am beyond livid that people would sexualize anything associated with babies.  Apparently there is a whole underworld of people who are into “diaper messing”.  Grown people who think it’s a turn on to put on a diaper and poop or watch other people do it.  Some of these deranged people wear adult size baby clothing.

That to me sends the message, “Since it’s not legal to abuse babies, let’s just pretend adults are babies.”

What next?  I don’t see how this is OK.  Also, no longer sitting in your own waste is a rite of passage, people!  And having to sit in your own waste again is not a thing to be celebrated.

I’m sick to death of perverts, as usual.  I never wanted to know this existed. I just felt like I should say something in case anyone thinks YouTube is a safe place to surf, especially for their children.