Dreading Loss

Shortly before Christmas, my grandma was not doing very well.  She lost her appetite and ended up in the hospital because she was very dehydrated.  She hasn’t really wanted to eat ever since she moved from her apartment into the assisted living center.  She didn’t want to leave her room at all and socialize with others because they’re not interesting.  Her mind was still in tact and she still liked to have political discussions or debates (if she could lure you into it).

It was hard enough moving her out of her home she had been in for decades where most of her memories were – where she raised eight children, including three who passed away.  I felt terrible when we had to help her downsize and move into a small apartment.  My grandpa has been gone for over twenty years now and with the good health she has been blessed with, I could see her outliving another one of her children.  That would be devastating to her.

She is being evaluated for hospice care, but my dad feels she just doesn’t want to try anymore.  She has become very weak because she chose not to leave her room except to go to the doctor.  I won’t go into detail, but relationships with her have been strained and I can’t help but wonder if she would continue trying if she felt like many loved ones were excited to see her often and came to visit more.

No one is going to urge her to get up or eat anymore and I respect her decision, but I’m also scared that all she’s doing is bringing on a long, miserable end to her life.  I went to visit her yesterday and she had a meal replacement shake and a glass of milk next to her bed, so she’s eating a little bit.  I have no idea what to expect and I don’t want her to suffer.  I don’t want her to be lonely.  Yesterday she was watching CNN with no sound and later my dad said it’s because she accidentally muted it and can’t figure out how to turn it back on.  Just laying in bed in a dark room at 4pm reading subtitles on CNN.  Alone.

Grandma is basically the only grandparent I ever had any kind of relationship with between my maternal grandmother being missing for over 40 years, my grandpa having a stroke that made it impossible to have a conversation, and my other grandpa not being able to carry on a coherent conversation because of the brain damage he suffered from alcohol.  He was in a nursing home for years, but still managed to find a way to literally drink himself to death.  My grief was more about the relationship we could have had and the fact that he wasn’t leaving a huge void in my life.  I watched him have seizures as he was in a coma all week and all I could think about was how he was a stranger to me.  That is a tragedy – when one’s death doesn’t cause unbearable grief for someone.  I remember my mom coming home and crying, “I didn’t think it would hurt this much.”  Considering her childhood with both of her parents’ alcoholism, abandonment, and becoming a foster child, she didn’t expect to miss him terribly.  She did like her dad though – just not the person he was when he drank.

As difficult as my grandma can be, I know my family is going to miss her and it’s going to hurt more than they realize.  She has many good qualities.  Her mother, on the other hand – her memorial service was horrifying, especially to my husband who didn’t know her.  It was just family because she lived 97 years.  Everyone who got up struggled to say something nice about her.

“She was very determined.”  (aka stubborn and unbending)
“Her house always smelled like coffee.”
“She always had ice cream.”

I kid you not.  Finally her son got up and said, “To be honest, I didn’t really get along with her.”  He broke the ice and one after another, relatives got up to tell stories about my great grandma being selfish, narcissistic, always right, etc.  My dad’s cousin drove her old car and when it broke down, she snapped at her that she was driving it wrong.

This was one of the most depressing experiences of my life and it made me very nervous thinking that maybe these genes had been passed down to me.  I told myself, “If your death doesn’t make your closest relatives feel like they can hardly go on living, then you failed.”

Some people are given a very short time to live.  It’s frustrating to see others given over 90 years to make things right, but they don’t.  And if they did try, I would hope their loved ones would accept the change they’re offering rather than pushing them away.  It’s never too late to change and to try to right your wrongs.  Sadly, that rarely happens.

I’m trying to reach out to her more and encourage her other 23 grandchildren to do the same.



The Bright Side of Trump Being President

A lot of my friends are really upset right now about Trump being president.  I’ve been bracing myself to be upset for months because either way was unacceptable to me. Unthinkable.

Unless you are a Hillary lover, here are some thoughts that might help you.

Because Hillary didn’t get elected, we got rid of her.  Nothing is ever going to happen to her legally, so people would have tried in vain her whole presidency to have her removed from office.

But Trump was elected and I think he is quite impeachable.  Maybe we could even prevent him from being sworn in.  How wonderful that would be!  Last night when he was declared the winner, people in my neighborhood were lighting fireworks and all I could think about was The Hunger Games.

Until then, he will continue to provide excellent material for Saturday Night Live and as for the stupid/horrible things he has vowed to do, he’s a doofus who won’t succeed.  Checks and balances, moron.

Dear Media:

This is what you get when you try to force candidates down our throats and manipulate the election.  I will think of Nov. 9th, 2016 as the day Hillary Clinton got Donald Trump elected.  Wow, Hillary.  That must be the most humiliating thing ever.  Anyone should be able to beat Trump, but you didn’t.  THAT’S HOW MUCH AMERICA DISLIKES YOU.  The media determined long ago that Hillary was destined to be the nominee.  Hillary’s camp ensured that Trump would be the Republican nominee.  Sounds like a great strategy, except they underestimated just how disgusted Americans are by her.

You manipulated it until the very end, declaring that Hillary had an 87% chance of winning.  People felt quite certain of that and they were blindsided.  Many of my friends who horrified last night when it didn’t go that way and that is because of you.

Angrily yours,

This entire thing seemed rigged to me and the only reason I’m happy right now is that it blew up in their faces when they should have let the American people decide who they wanted.  Democrats were clearly in favor of Bernie Sanders.  Knowing how many objections there were, if Hillary loves America, she should have stepped aside and given up on her dream of being the first female president.

I seriously couldn’t believe my ears when people said she should be elected because it’s time for a woman president.  The only reason a woman should be president is because she is the best candidate AND someone the American people actually want.  I couldn’t stand the though of her earning that title.  At the same time, I couldn’t stand the thought of gloating Trump in the White House either.

This is a nightmare, but I feel strangely at peace that Trump will make history in his own way.  Maybe setting a record with the shortest time in office?

I’m sad for our country and everyone who feels devastated by this election.

Worst. Election. EVER.

I made this video yesterday for anyone who feels like me or would get a laugh out of this even if they don’t feel like me.

No matter the outcome, I am going to feel very upset about who we elect as president.  When I imagine Hillary or Donald winning, I want to scream for different reasons.  The only thing I would like about Donald winning would be that it would be really humiliating for Hillary to lose to him and it would be 4 years of really great SNL material, but that’s not a good enough reason.

The only way I can deal with this is to laugh.  Happy Election Day!

My Scammer Soap Opera

As I mentioned earlier, I like to engage in “scambaiting” – where you fool a scammer into believing that you are a sucker and you waste as much of their time as possible to prevent them from moving on to a real victim or slow them down.  I think if enough people did it, it would make a huge impact.

People have been asking me what I’m going to do now that some of the IRS scammers have been arrested.  Oh, there are plenty more and I’m sure they’re just lying low at the moment.  Some of them are still active.  I learned that when they tell you you’re on a federally recorded line, they really are recording it.  Splendid!  This will make the investigators’ jobs so much easier and I hope they have a good laugh if they happen to run into one of my conversations with them.  I especially hope they hear the one where my kids and I were British for 96 minutes while causing the scammer to believe we were going to the store to purchase a “federal tax voucher”, aka iTunes gift cards.  You see, the store was 15 minutes away and then there was the usual trip to the bathroom.  Don’t worry, he wasn’t bored.  We sang annoying songs on the way there. (We just sat in our unmoving car and sang.)  YOU CAN’T RIDE IN MY RED WAGON! THE AXLE’S BROKEN AND THE WHEELS ARE DRAGGIN’!  SAME SONG! SAME VERSE! A LITTLE BIT LOUDER AND A LITTLE BIT WORSE!

This is my latest mischief.  A computer scammer called my mom and she wanted me to call and mess with them.  That number wasn’t working for me, so I located a working number and I’ve been messing with a particular scammer since Sept. 7th.   That’s almost 2 glorious months.  I haven’t talked to him on the phone in a long time though because I’m afraid I will laugh hysterically.  I just tell him I’ve been too upset to talk.

During our initial conversation, he tried to fix (gain remote access) to my computer for almost an hour.  I mean, just like he said, there was malware on it, so of course it would be acting up, right?  It must be really annoying to a computer scammer when they tell you your computer is broken and you respond that your computer is too broken for them to even do anything with it.

“Jack Williams” told me all sorts of ridiculous stuff about my IP address no longer being secure because of a broken driver.  He wanted me to go to helpme.net where he could gain remote access to my computer, but I employed all sorts of antics.  The computer told me I needed to insert the repair disk.  Then I suggested maybe we restart in safe mode.  When he told me to go to helpme.net, I told him, “The computer says that site isn’t available in safe mode.”  He can make up crap, so I can too, right?

At the end of that call, my friend came over to rehearse with me and I had to tell Jack (or was it his supervisor by then?) that my computer was too old and had too many issues to fix.  I would need to buy a new one.  That’s when he offered to give me a discount on security software for my new computer and he would even upload it for me.  Wow, how nice of him to offer to ruin my new computer.  I asked him repeatedly what their website was so I could shop for products and it was hilarious how he tried to get out of telling me.  “Oh, we have everything!”  It was even funnier when he started asking me if there was another computer in the house.  Nope.  “Is there a laptop?”  You see, amazingly he would be able to fix my broken driver by getting remote access to another computer.

I thought that would be the end.  The next day, Jack left a message asking if I got a new computer yet.  Nope.

He called the next day and I answered.  I explained that my husband Richard (not my husband’s real name) wouldn’t let me get a new computer.  He told me that it wasn’t like I used it for work – I mostly used it to goof around on YouTube.  Jack said he thought a computer was the “most important part of a person”, but I explained that we had many things to fix before we could replace it.

This man had invested a lot of time in me and he was determined to get something for his efforts.  This was when he suddenly took great interest in me and asked to be my Facebook friend.  He said that I make him laugh and that we should make each other laugh more.  He said, “Tell me your Facebook ID.”  I said, “How about you tell me your ID and then I’ll decide if I want to send you a Facebook request?”

So he gave me an email address that didn’t contain the name Jack Williams, but Ashwin.  He explained that his boss made them use fake names because Americans don’t like people from India.  I said that wasn’t true and that it didn’t make sense to use fake names because we can tell they’re from India.  “Oh, really?” The thing that amazes me the most is how good these scammers think they are at speaking English.  Anyway, he told me to look up his profile right that second using that email address.  I said, “I don’t have a working computer, remember?  He said, “What about your phone?”  “I don’t have a cell phone.”  He said, “You are a great lady!” sounding quite amused.

I told him I would need to go to the library to use the computer, but of course that didn’t happen for a while.  I had told him my name was Princess Buttercup and after trying and failing to make a fake Facebook account, I finally turned to Google Plus.  I knew that if I emailed Ashwin and that really was his gmail account, he would see my profile come up.

My cover photo says, “The most important thing in life is trusting everyone no matter what.”  What a delicious phrase to a scammer, right?

I finally emailed him, telling him I was at the library, but couldn’t find his profile.  I started to give out uncomfortable details about my life, making Richard sound a little more jerky by the day.  I confided in Ashwin that Richard’s friend Fred came over to fix the computer and he started rubbing my back.  After that, Fred was coming up with more excuses to come over while Richard was on his business trip in China.

Sure enough, Ashwin followed me on Google Plus and I had already started planting bizarre things.  How weird could things get before he decided maybe he didn’t want to be my friend after all?

Things got ten times more hilarious when I said I told Fred about him and he wanted to know his company’s website.  That’s when Ashwin claimed my imaginary friend had emailed him and called him a scammer.

Hey, Ashwin!  Fred is MY imaginary friend!  Of course, I was very upset with Fred.  I was so upset, I needed to confront him over email and cc Ashwin.  First I had to make a gmail account for Fred so that would be possible.  Then he was on Google Plus too.  After confronting him, he informed me (and Ashwin) that he had done no such thing, but that Ashwin was indeed a scammer, sent me a link to a news article about computer scams, and told me if I wouldn’t listen to him, maybe I would listen to Richard. He said I shouldn’t listen to Richard though because he wasn’t really in China on a business trip. He was in the Bahamas with his mistress!

Brytnie, the villainess we all love to hate in this story – she wrote back on Richard’s phone dying of laughter.  You won’t believe her evil doings.  To make things more interesting, one of my YouTube friends called Ashwin saying she was Brytnie and informed him that she was a 19-year-old stripper.  Of course, I had to write that into the story.  Brytnie is a horrible, horrible person.

Here are the current characters:

Fred Flint (who looks like Wesley from Princess Bride)
Richard (looks like Humperdinck)
Brytnie (you can only see her feet on the beach, but her later mug shot looks just like Keira Knightley)
Ethel (No profile, but she’s my feisty mother who beats people with umbrellas)
Ayma Moron (Looks like the “Mawwiage” guy from Princess Bride and was created by a YouTube friend)
Steve (Richard’s offended dad who shouts “INCONCEIVABLE!”
Charles Orchkatzelschwarf (Princess’s long lost father who needs money to come see her. Looks like Indigo Montoya)

There are more on the horizon.  I’m now managing six different fake accounts and it’s a little complicated, but exactly the laugh I need during a stressful time in my life.

If you watch through this playlist in order, you can enjoy the story Ashwin inspired and discover what his goal was.  What a little turd he is.  He will always hold a special place in my heart.  I’ll just tell you that no matter how hard things get in my fake life, Ashwin still has the nerve to ask for favors. When I called him, I never imagined it would evolve into this!  If you like my videos, don’t forget to subscribe!  🙂




An Awful Analogy About Voting

I’m seeing a lot of passionate arguments as to why people should vote for either Trump or Hillary.  This is literally what it sounds like to me.

Passionate person:  Would you rather eat diarrhea in the morning or diarrhea in the evening?

Me:  I vote for no diarrhea.

Passionate person: That’s throwing your vote away!

Me:  Ummmm ……

Passionate person:  If you don’t vote for diarrhea in the evening, you’re letting diarrhea in the morning win!

Me:  I really don’t see much of a difference.  If there’s a chance at all that not eating diarrhea could win, then I have to vote my conscience.  I don’t want to feel responsible for everyone eating diarrhea.

Passionate person:  But it’s not possible not to eat the diarrhea!

Me:  I think if everyone who wants no diarrhea were brave enough to vote for no diarrhea, then no diarrhea would win.  The media has us believing that it’s impossible because they want diarrhea in the morning to win.

Passionate person:  That’s never going to happen!  Diarrhea in the morning is so much worse than diarrhea in the evening!

Me:  It’s a toss up . They both suck.

I know I’m not alone.  You’re welcome for the disgusting analogy.  That’s really how I feel.

Now That You’ve Decided To Sell Meal Replacement Products …..

I’ve been approached multiple times lately by friends who recently decided to sell various products to help people lose weight.  Luckily I’m not sensitive about my weight, but I cringe on behalf of those who are.  Once one commits to selling these products, just how do they go about approaching their friends and loved ones?

“So ….. uhhhhh ….. I’ve been using this product to lose weight.  And uhhhhhhh …… Do you know anyone who might want to lose weight too?”

“Hey, I was just noticing how fat you’ve gotten…..”

“Good job losing 50 pounds so far on your own using real food!  Wouldn’t you rather buy my expensive shakes?”

I think this is really too touchy a subject to be approaching those who are overweight.  Unless you know they are not touchy about it, I would say just make blanket statements on social media that you are a rep and would love to talk to anyone who is interested.  If they don’t express interest, then most likely they aren’t interested.  Some people don’t want to be sold to period whether it’s Amway, Cutco knives, Scentsy, Pampered Chef, etc.

Furthermore, if a friend hasn’t heard from you in a long time and you approach them making small talk and manage to work your new sales business into the conversation, they know that was the real reason you messaged them . I prefer the direct approach if you’re going to try to sell something to me rather than pretending you were just thinking about me.

That is all.  Don’t ruin relationships because you want to sell something.

My Job From Hell

What is the worst job you ever had?  When I was about 19, I walked into a pet store and accepted a dog washing job out of desperation and under the misguided belief that it would be fun.

Pulling their ear hair is not fun.

Clipping their toenails is also not fun.

Being bitten repeatedly is awful.

Having a clean dog you just washed roll around in its own diarrhea repeatedly?  Beyond awful.

But having to do I don’t want to say what to a dog’s unmentionable area?!  NO!  JUST NO!